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Saturday, 28 July 2012

Aberdare Park Road Races

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Chili Cook-off

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, Illinois. Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light Truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Chili #1 MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…..
Judge#1 A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very Mild
Judge #3 (Frank)-Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2 AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI…..
Judge #1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people that wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI…..
Judge #1 Excellent Firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2 A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili #4 BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC…..
Judge #1 Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing
Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac????

Chili #5 LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…..
Judge #1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

Chili #6 VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY…..
Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic! Superb
Judge #3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filed with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through my chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili #7 SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI…..
Judge #1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s to painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI…..
Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it’s existence.
Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili????/
Judge #3 NO REPORT!!!!!

Texan Chili Cook-off

5th Valentino Rossi (Marlboro Ducati) 2’00.824

Rossi Sepang Testing

Fifth-fastest on the day, Rossi turned 42 laps on the redesigned GP12. Rossi and company slashed 1.568 seconds from Day 1 to Day 3, but the gap to the front runner in that same time has grown from 0.735 to 1.217 seconds.

Exciting features coming to the Michigan Motorcycle Show include:

Dec. 27 — To the Editor:

Thank you for your recent editorial on motorcycle noise. Although we live in central Pennsylvania, we have all the same problems.

I used to ride myself and know the joys of motorcycle riding. But there are 10 times the bikes out there than there were even 10 years ago, and it has become too much.

We bought a house in Bellefonte, Penn., with a beautiful wrap-around porch. And even though we live on a side street, it happens to be part of the “cruising circuit.” Spring, summer and fall, it’s a constant stream of motorcycles, each louder than the next. I have been to many borough council meetings — they fight me every step of the way. They did permit me to buy metal signs that read “Please Ride Quietly” with an image of a motorcycle. It’s the rare rider that is considerate enough not to crank it all the way down our street.

Gone are my dreams of being able to sit and have a conversation on my porch or even to take a Sunday afternoon nap. Most bikes seem to be equipped with straight pipes that backfire and startle us and our pets. It works on our nerves. I miss hearing birds singing. All we can hear now is the never-ending rumble, roar and crackling of motorcycles. They just go ’round and ’round. Why doesn’t anybody actually go somewhere? Take a day trip?

Our own state has a House bill up again this year but, as usual, they will probably let it die, only to be given a different number next year.

My borough president tells me that there is no way to enforce the laws because they can’t be proven in court. I don’t understand this. It just sounds like laziness on the part of our police force to me. The chief seems to hate me for our calls. I’ve given up.

Maybe someday our lawmakers will care enough to stop this, even though they don’t have trouble in their own ritzier neighborhoods.

Patricia Kennedy

Bellefonte, Penn.

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The Indonesian Motorcycle Industry Association (AISI) estimates that the country’s motorcycle sales will continue to expand at a double digit growth rate next year despite the worsening global economic outlook.

AISI chairman Gunadi Sindhuwinata said on Tuesday in Jakarta that motorcycle sales would grow by around 10 per cent to 9 million units or “slightly higher� thanks to continued high domestic demand.

However, Gunadi implicitly acknowledged that next year’s sales growth might see a slight decline from this year, with estimated sales of 8.2 million units, as the faster growth of the past two years was due to the recovery from the 2008 economic crisis.

“We’re still aiming for 10 per cent growth with an assumption that the economy will grow by 6.7 per cent next year,� he said.

AISI data shows that motorcycle sales reached 7.58 million units from January-November this year, on track to achieve the full-year estimate of 8.2 million with an annual growth of 12 per cent.

Gunadi said that sales growth would be mainly driven by demand from regions outside Java as the Java market, especially in Greater Jakarta and West Java with 15 per cent of sales nationwide, was about saturated.

“Sales will be dispersed in areas outside Java as the distribution of income has been improving due to a boom in sectors like mining, plantation and fisheries. Sales in Jakarta will be maintained mainly through customers replacing their old motorcycles with new ones,� he explained.

AISI vice chairman Johannes Loman previously said the current interest rate levels and the capital liquidity in the financial industry would further sustain growth as 75  per cent of overall motorcycle purchases were backed by leasing companies.

Loman had said that the movement in prices of the country’s main export commodities, such as palm oil and rubber, also affected sales of motorcycles, particularly in areas outside Java.

According to Gunadi, Indonesia’s motorcycle market still has room to grow in the future as the ratio of motorbike ownership to the population is still one unit per seven people, lower than neighboring countries with one unit per three people.

The country’s strong economic fundamentals in the past two years, along with its high domestic consumption, have made Indonesia, a home to more than 240 million, an attractive market for the automotive industry.

Besides motorcycle sales, car sales have also seen enormous growth. During the January-September period, car sales reached 659,857 units, according to the Indonesian Automotive Industry Association (Gaikindo) and are projected to surpass 870,000 units by the end of the year, rising by 19 per cent from 2010.

A motorcycle rider was killed in a crash in the West Valley Wednesday afternoon, Phoenix police said.

The victim was traveling west on Thomas and approached 80th Avenue, according to Officer James Holmes of the Phoenix Police Department.

When the driver of a passenger car entered Thomas from 80th Avenue, the vehicles collided, Holmes said. The victim was pronounced dead at the scene.

As of 9:15 p.m., Thomas Road was still closed between 79th and 83rd avenues. 

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